Before we get started, I want to give a quick heads-up about what I'll be talking about. I’ll be sharing my own story and experiences with abuse. Everything I speak about comes straight from my personal journey. Please take care of yourself while reading, and if you need support, please reach out to a professional.

You know, people ask all the time, "Why did you see your father after he gave you something and literally killed you? Why talk to him after? Why protect him?" Everyone thinks if they lived in an abusive relationship, they would leave. You want to know the truth? It's not what you think it is.

My father literally killed me. He made me drink alcohol and gave me a pill. He forced me to do it. I overdosed from something HE made me do. I was only 13 years old.

Do you want to know something even more shocking? I didn't realize he was abusive at the time. He told me I was useless. That I deserved to die. That he wanted to take pictures of me so he could remember that moment. That I wasn't enough of a daughter. That I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough.

You know what? I believed him. I believed that if I were smarter or prettier, he wouldn't have given me those pills. He wouldn't have made me drink alcohol to the point of dying. After all, I made him mad. It was MY fault for doing it. The classic "if only I didn't do this, then he wouldn't have done that." I know it sounds wild, but when you're in that situation, you really believe it.

I'm actually writing a book right now on my story, where I go through every detail of what happened. It's something I've been wanting to share for a while, in the hopes that someone out there can find the courage to leave a toxic situation. Hoping to be the light at the end of the darkness for you. To tell you that you deserve better.

You think it's your fault. When something goes wrong, you really think it's your fault. It's YOUR fault they hit you. It was an accident. I know you watch movies and say, "It's obvious it's not an accident." But hear me out. Think of the last person you bumped into, even a shoulder tap. How do you know if it was an accident or if they did it on purpose? It feels like that. You don't question things, you just know it's your fault, because they said it was and you believe them. BUT question EVERYTHING. Being curious is a very good thing.

They reward you when you get something right. It sounds crazy, but you get this high from it. You crave it like an addiction to a drug. It's always followed by disappointment. It's what makes this cycle so addictive. You want there to be highs and lows so that way you can get the reward, for them to say one tiny hint of approval. It's really just manipulation anyway. It's really because they want something.

You don't think you can do better. I thought I was ugly, weird for being autistic, and not enough. I didn't think I would ever be happy. I thought everyone was like that and I couldn't do any better. They make you feel like you are a useless piece of shit. And when you feel like that, you really believe that you can't do any better.

Low confidence. Abusive and toxic relationships feed off of low confidence. I once had an ex tell me, "Oh no, she is too confident for me." Well, you can guess why, right? He wants someone with LOW confidence because they're easier to manipulate. I can say this because my ex loved me and fell in love with me when I had low confidence. I was bullied, made fun of for being autistic, and he came around paying attention to me. Even any type of attention made it feel like he was the king. So for years I treated him like a savior because at the time he really was. I gained some confidence, started a business, and he left me. Toxic people prey on low confidence. And if you're sitting there right now thinking "I am not enough," know you are home here. Subscribe to Finally Home Magazine. I truly want to help you build confidence and become a person you are proud of — the person in the mirror you can finally look at and feel beautiful.

There are many other reasons, but those are just the big ones I've noticed. Do you know what the biggest thing was that helped me escape and realize the truth? I started taking mental note of the facts. Fact: my dad gave me a pill. He told me I had to take it and threatened me if I didn't. Fact: my dad hit me. Those are facts that actually happened. When I started looking at facts, it's like I collected them in my head. I realized the truth — my dad hit me. I never hit him. I never said a mean thing to him. I never spoke back to him. He was just convincing me. He made me feel like everything was my fault. But when you look at the facts, they really can't lie. An abusive or toxic person really can't outrun the facts.

What’s next: If you are ready to feel enough. To feel loved, even when the world gets heavy. To know that you are beautiful inside and out. This is the space for you, welcome.I want you to follow along and come back to Finally Home Magazine. I inspire this to be a place where you are reminded that you are enough, just as you are.

This actually brings me to my next point: tips on how you know it's a healthy relationship. This one BLEW my mind. Honestly, when I realized what a healthy relationship was, I didn't even believe it. So I'll say, everyone is different, and today I'm sharing what blew my mind about having a healthy relationship. If you have anything to add, please comment. Your comment can literally change someone's life.

And the list goes on, but you can see the main point: YOU are happy, and you share your voice.

If you're wanting a place to call home — a place where you feel like you are enough — remember that relationships and the people you're around make a huge difference in your life. How can you feel safe if you live in a world where your relationships make you anxious? It's time to be honest about it with yourself. And take one small step a day, because you are enough and beautiful just the way you are. It's time you show up in the world as your weirdest and truest self.

If you are looking for a place you can finally call home, please subscribe. I am on a mission to help you build a life where you finally feel loved, enough, and safe.

Catherine